Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.