Excessive Apologies: Strategies to End the Pattern

For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.